Half Full

Is your life half full or half empty? Day to day life can get a bit monotonous. There is no doubt about that. Houses need cleaning, lawns need mowed, dishes and laundry needs done, and bills need paying. It is so very easy to get bogged down in these burdens and forget how wonderful your life truly is. Our children and spouses drive us crazy (how hard is it to get the wet towels in the laundry basket?) We go to work day in and day out and when the paychecks come they are always too much eaten up by "the MAN". Staying upbeat can be tough sometimes... well most of the time really.
As I read updates of status on social networking sites it is easy to recognize the people whose glasses are half empty. Consider this the next time you want to complain about how tough your life and work and relationships are... There are men and women who will go to work today... grumpy... annoyed... mad at their kids or spouse for not cleaning the toothpaste out of the sink or not taking out the trash. Sadly some of these men and women will never return home. Remember... half full or half empty... life is short. For now the people you love enough to be annoyed by them are alive and well... smile and change the toilet paper roll yourself... and drink in your half full life :)

New Beginings

I have always envied those people who can "pick up stakes" and "follow their bliss". I have never been one of those people. I became a nurse right out of high school, and I always knew what type of nurse I would be. I wanted to be a nurse with integrity and character but also one who exhibits trustworthiness and compassion. I have always sought excitement and a fast paced career, so Emergency Nursing was a great fit for me... but flight nursing... now that is the "stuff". I knew from the first time I saw a tall slim long haired nurse step out of the Samaritan Helicopter 16 years ago that she had to have the coolest job on Earth! As I got deeper and deeper into nursing I never lost that belief. I have worked my entire professional career to get the experience I needed to become a flight nurse. When I had gotten the experience I needed it looked like I still would not be able to do it because to steal a line from the movie "Tommy Boy"... "I had a little bit of a weight problem". I worked so very hard to loose that weight so that nothing would hold me back, and I became a flight nurse... and I was right! It is indeed the coolest job in the world! I started working for a company whose mission I believe in deeply because I know that I am serving an undeserved community. But like all good things this "dream job" has a darker side, a dangerous, and painful side.

Over the last year and a half since I became a flight nurse several nurses, medics, and pilots have lost their lives doing the same job I do every day, and 2 more died this past week. So it is time for me to take a break from the long hours away from home, the late night phone calls that wake us from deep sleep, and the occasional frightening moments that make the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Never in my life have I ever quit a job without having another job lined up, but this past Thursday... I did. Life is so very short and I want to be one of these people who "follow their bliss". If I could only figure out what that means :).

How does one begin to do this? Where do they start? How does it work? I have always allowed nursing to "pay my bills" but I have already done the coolest job in nursing and I am EXHAUSTED by it right now, so where does one begin to make a "new beginning"?

Life is complicated sometimes. Of course we all know that. My life has been fantastic compared to most, and sometimes I have to remind myself that my little problems are nothing compared to the problems of others. Is it narcissistic to even be typing this stuff into a computer. Have we become such a public society that even our journals are public knowledge? Maybe but here I am at this computer trying to figure out the right path to take.
Recently I have been toiling over a difficult decision. For my entire adult life I have wanted to be a flight nurse... now that I have achieved this goal I find that like most other dreams... the reality falls a bit short. My "dream job" has become something I am no longer a big fan of. However there are quite a few extenuating circumstances that have lead to this feeling. Not the least of which is the abysmal pay and insanely long hours. When a person works 80 hours a week on average they expect to be able to pay their modest bills when the paycheck comes. I have been doing this for over a year now and not once have I not shed tears on payday because I knew the tiny check would not come close to paying all my bills. I am so very lucky to have a woman who has supported me emotionally throughout this endeavor. She has always been there to say "we will make it work if this is what you want to do"...
My answer to "Do you want to do this?" has always been "YES" until now. I have told myself "you are just burned out"... "you are working too much"... "things are gonna get better"... but the truth is some days I wonder if I am cut out for this job... The clinical part is no problem (I can almost do it in my sleep... and have some nights I am afraid). The problem is the little nagging voice in the back of my head that says "people die doing your job". Statistically those deaths are most often caused by human error, but not always... and by the way we are ALL humans (unless you have taught your dogs to read and they are hoping for some cute puppy pics).
Recently it occurred to me that NO JOB is worth not coming home from... These tiny paychecks are not a good reason to spend over 80 hours away from home each week. Am I just flipping out over nothing? I don't think so, this feeling has been nagging at me for the last several months and it finally hit me square in the face about a month ago and has been in the center of my thoughts ever since. So I ask... What do you loose to give up a "dream"?
I feel I would be regaining time with my family I have neglected for the last year and a half. I have missed major family events because "the base has to stay open" I have poured my heart and soul into this job and like most good disfunctional relationships... have gotten very little in return.
The truth is if this career were a lover I would have cut them loose long ago...
But what next?

What I See

All my life I have listened to the stories of others. I have sat quietly and laughed when I was supposed to laugh and cried when I was supposed to cry. I have always felt like my stories were not important enough to tell. With the extra spare time I have on my hands these days I have done a fair amount of searching and reading other peoples' stories on the internet and I finally said to myself... if that story was important enough to put on the internet... darn it so is mine!.. Mine will be a story of life as I see it through the viewfinder of my trusty Cannon... come along and enjoy my travels with me wont you?