Forest through the trees

In my life I have often thought "what the HELL is going on here?!" I usually scream this at the top of my lungs... inside my head :). It seems like I am always trying to look far into the future to see "what is this long term outcome of this decision I am about to make right now?" "what is the best choice for my future?" "Should I stay here and do what I have always done or do I move to something new?" "what happens if I turn left... how bout if I turn right?" The reality of it has always been... things are going to turn out however they are supposed to turn out no matter which way I turn the wheel. Why do we fret so much over the small decisions we make? Sure we have all made bad choices... some more than others :) (not naming any names here but you know who you are :).

I don't bring this up today to be "preachy" but to say... sometimes we are so busy trying to see past the forest... we forget to see the trees. God has put amazing people in my life and recently I have been neglecting them because my life is swirling around my head like a cow in an f5 tornado (you all saw "TWISTER" you know what I mean :). I missed some pretty important things because I couldn't see outside of my own little problems. To my sister whose 40th birthday I missed... I am sorry... I know this does not make it better but I hope I can make it up to you... To my parents who live less than 2 hours away that I haven't seen in over a month... I am sorry... to my best friend Darcy, even though we are hundreds of miles away from each other all it takes is 5 minutes of talking to you on the phone to make me feel better... I am sorry you are always the one who has to initiate that phone call... I am gonna do better... and lastly to My wife who has had to put up with my indecision and waffling and moodiness... I love you and I am TRULY sorry.

My point is... sometimes you just have to let go of all the little stuff and let what's gonna happen happen, and learn to appreciate the amazing and wonderful things and people who make up the "forest" that surrounds you

A rant on an old profession

I wonder what type of personality traits a person has that makes them step outside of what they know to do something that makes them happy. I have been doing a great deal of research about how to follow my dream to become a photographer and what I have found time and time again, are stories of people who gave up very comfortable livings in careers that give them the opportunity to achieve "success". People have chosen to give up careers as corporate attorneys, bankers, and yes even nurses. They have chosen to leave these comfort zones behind and take a leap of faith and follow a dream. What many of them have also pointed out is that this often results in a certain level of downsizing in the "lifestyle" dept but many of them say they would not take it back.
I have thought to myself... "am I the type of person who could live a much more simple lifestyle than I do right now?" Before I found myself in this magnificent marriage, I did live a bit more simply. I drove a simple American car, I lived in a simple American house with a $500 a month mortgage payment, I took trips around America and have seen the wonders that this magnificently diverse landscape still has to offer (before we flatten it all out to make 8 lane superhighways), and as far as those parts of my life were concerned... I was happy with them... but I was still missing something... the true love of a mate to share them with. Now I am blissfully in love... driving a $37,000 truck (still American by the way), paying half the mortgage on a $200,000 home I neither chose nor have any ownership in, taking $10,000 "trips of a lifetime" every year. I have done and experienced more amazing things in the last three years than I could have ever imagined and they have been absolutely AMAZING! So in order to continue doing those things is it necessary for me to continue on in a profession that neither fulfills me nor makes me happy anymore?
I have wondered many times if I am not just going through some sort of VERY PREMATURE mid life crisis. Do I just need to buck up and realize that I will likely never be a National Geographic photographer? The people I have researched who gave up promising careers to follow this dream are now making their money taking wedding photos and senior pictures... which would still be more fun than working the graveyard shift in the ER listening to the same people every night complaining about their chronic back/head/abdominal/chest pain. Professional photographers tend to get to capture the best and most substantial times in the lives of people. They get to be there at the weddings, the mitzphas, the milestones... Nurses get to be there at the passings and the agonies. I used to say that I would be a nurse even if they did not pay me for it... I loved it that much... but experiences over the last couple of years have left me bitter and jaded and as a result I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to be part of a profession that values cheaper youth over more expensive experience when there are actual human lives at stake. I don't want to be part of a profession that will not only allow but encourage the type of lateral violence and bullying I (and many others) have experienced. I don't want to be part of a profession that fosters infighting and backstabbing in order to save your own ass... I have thought of joining the Peace Corps to get back to the basics of why I used to love this profession. I used to love the fact that I could make a difference... I could somehow touch the life of another human and even in their worst of days I could bring them a little comfort. That is what nursing used to be about... now the profession is filled with men and women who chose nursing school because they like the idea of getting paid pretty good money and you only have to work three twelve hour shifts a week. They do not care about the patients... they do not care about the profession and they certainly do not care about their co-workers. Nursing is not supposed to be easy... if done correctly it should be mentally, physically, and emotionally draining, but to the newbies who are there to collect the quick easy big paychecks it is none of these.
So what does an old dog do to move from the "what I have always done" comfort zone to the "what I have always wanted to do" jumping off point? those decisions are yet to be made. The one thing I do know is that I am renewing my commitment to myself to continue improving my craft and do what I can to take this from occasional hobby to practiced craft.

Renewable Energy

We were flying home through Chicago to Indianapolis when I looked down and what should I find 10000 feet below?... Miles upon miles of wind generators. I decided then that I was going hunt this wind farm down and check it out. Come to find out this farm spans two counties in North West Indiana and supplies power to hundreds of homes throughout the midwest and beyond. Each one of these gigantic wind generators can supply power to 600 homes each year. I have done a small amount of research and have found no downside to this and I wondered... why are we using more of this? They don't take up much groundspace so we can continue growing crops on this land. So we can grow crops that can either feed animals or humans or we an grow crops to be used for other renewable energy sources like bio fuels and ethenols.



Here in Indiana we have an abundance of a few things... soybeans... corn... space... and wind... these are things that do not destroy life like a huge uncontrolable oil spill does... wind never dies out... corn and soybeans can always be grown... I am not asking that everyone sell their gas guzzling machines to start driving cars that run on old french fry oil all I am asking is that we all start to think about doing what we can, when we can to make a difference. Every little bit counts and can make a

Listen to the whispers

I was sitting here alone tonight when I realized I had not posted anything to my blog in a month or more. It has been quite a time over the last few weeks. I have gone from having what I thought was a "dream job" to having no job to having a job I can tolerate because I can't afford to be a photographer/housewife. I have gone from being a flight nurse to wanting to get out of nursing all together to deciding to follow another path toward grad school to become a CRNA. I was blessed to reconnect with family I have not seen in 30 years. I was also blessed to reconnect with a place I have not seen in almost 20 years.

It's funny how a place can affect you. I had not been to Northern California since I was a freshman in college, but the moment I stepped off that plane and the sight and smells hit me again I was right back in love with that place. So many practicalities tell me that the dream of ever living there is just that... a dream... but the dreamer in me wonders if it is not really possible. What is it in us that makes us listen to the "reason" that screams at us instead of the whispers that speak to us when we are too tired for rationalizations. Why do I always listen to the "you can't do that" and the "That will never happen" why do I always listen to the " you're too overweight" and the "that was a stupid thing to do"? Why do I never listen to the "you look great" and the "well, at least you took a chance" and the "some body has to be a success at that... why not me"?

So I guess what I am rambling about is this. Would my life be happier if I chose to listen to my whispers rather than my shouts? Or would I be an overweight unemployed poor photographer who walked everywhere she went because she could not afford to make her truck payments anymore? Maybe there is some happy middle ground somewhere that lets me have a little bit of the best of both worlds.

730 Days

I have been sitting here for quite some time now trying to formulate a fitting tribute to my beloved. What I have come up with is a great deal of corny crap that can not begin to encompass my ever deepening love for this woman. Today marks the 730th day of our official commitment to each other, and at least

731 times I have sworn I could not possibly love her more, and

731 times I have been wrong.

730 times I have awaken to feel as though I am the luckiest girl in the world.

730 days I have prayed to God to keep her safe.

730 days I have smiled at least 20 times at the mere thought of her.

730 days she has made me laugh... a couple she has made me cry.

730 days I have counted my blessings that the universe brought us together and that we were both bright enough to recognize it when it happened.

730 days I have been married to my soul mate... the love of my life... my best friend :)

Running Home

Since the moment I got my drivers license and my parents let me loose on the road, my favorite fealing in all of the world was to be driving into the sunset. I love the thought of running away and starting over and never looking back. I have always been ready to ramble on. It seems I have always felt there was something to run away from... a frustrating job... bills I couldn't pay... bad relationships... boredom. I never really have run away bbut I have always wanted to... until now that is. I find myself now choosing to run home rather that away. Perhaps it is a maturity factor but more likely it is that I actually have a reason to run home. It is amazing how lovely home can be when there is someone who makes it feel like home.
Happiness for me now is the sunset in my rearview mirror.

Half Full

Is your life half full or half empty? Day to day life can get a bit monotonous. There is no doubt about that. Houses need cleaning, lawns need mowed, dishes and laundry needs done, and bills need paying. It is so very easy to get bogged down in these burdens and forget how wonderful your life truly is. Our children and spouses drive us crazy (how hard is it to get the wet towels in the laundry basket?) We go to work day in and day out and when the paychecks come they are always too much eaten up by "the MAN". Staying upbeat can be tough sometimes... well most of the time really.
As I read updates of status on social networking sites it is easy to recognize the people whose glasses are half empty. Consider this the next time you want to complain about how tough your life and work and relationships are... There are men and women who will go to work today... grumpy... annoyed... mad at their kids or spouse for not cleaning the toothpaste out of the sink or not taking out the trash. Sadly some of these men and women will never return home. Remember... half full or half empty... life is short. For now the people you love enough to be annoyed by them are alive and well... smile and change the toilet paper roll yourself... and drink in your half full life :)

New Beginings

I have always envied those people who can "pick up stakes" and "follow their bliss". I have never been one of those people. I became a nurse right out of high school, and I always knew what type of nurse I would be. I wanted to be a nurse with integrity and character but also one who exhibits trustworthiness and compassion. I have always sought excitement and a fast paced career, so Emergency Nursing was a great fit for me... but flight nursing... now that is the "stuff". I knew from the first time I saw a tall slim long haired nurse step out of the Samaritan Helicopter 16 years ago that she had to have the coolest job on Earth! As I got deeper and deeper into nursing I never lost that belief. I have worked my entire professional career to get the experience I needed to become a flight nurse. When I had gotten the experience I needed it looked like I still would not be able to do it because to steal a line from the movie "Tommy Boy"... "I had a little bit of a weight problem". I worked so very hard to loose that weight so that nothing would hold me back, and I became a flight nurse... and I was right! It is indeed the coolest job in the world! I started working for a company whose mission I believe in deeply because I know that I am serving an undeserved community. But like all good things this "dream job" has a darker side, a dangerous, and painful side.

Over the last year and a half since I became a flight nurse several nurses, medics, and pilots have lost their lives doing the same job I do every day, and 2 more died this past week. So it is time for me to take a break from the long hours away from home, the late night phone calls that wake us from deep sleep, and the occasional frightening moments that make the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Never in my life have I ever quit a job without having another job lined up, but this past Thursday... I did. Life is so very short and I want to be one of these people who "follow their bliss". If I could only figure out what that means :).

How does one begin to do this? Where do they start? How does it work? I have always allowed nursing to "pay my bills" but I have already done the coolest job in nursing and I am EXHAUSTED by it right now, so where does one begin to make a "new beginning"?

Life is complicated sometimes. Of course we all know that. My life has been fantastic compared to most, and sometimes I have to remind myself that my little problems are nothing compared to the problems of others. Is it narcissistic to even be typing this stuff into a computer. Have we become such a public society that even our journals are public knowledge? Maybe but here I am at this computer trying to figure out the right path to take.
Recently I have been toiling over a difficult decision. For my entire adult life I have wanted to be a flight nurse... now that I have achieved this goal I find that like most other dreams... the reality falls a bit short. My "dream job" has become something I am no longer a big fan of. However there are quite a few extenuating circumstances that have lead to this feeling. Not the least of which is the abysmal pay and insanely long hours. When a person works 80 hours a week on average they expect to be able to pay their modest bills when the paycheck comes. I have been doing this for over a year now and not once have I not shed tears on payday because I knew the tiny check would not come close to paying all my bills. I am so very lucky to have a woman who has supported me emotionally throughout this endeavor. She has always been there to say "we will make it work if this is what you want to do"...
My answer to "Do you want to do this?" has always been "YES" until now. I have told myself "you are just burned out"... "you are working too much"... "things are gonna get better"... but the truth is some days I wonder if I am cut out for this job... The clinical part is no problem (I can almost do it in my sleep... and have some nights I am afraid). The problem is the little nagging voice in the back of my head that says "people die doing your job". Statistically those deaths are most often caused by human error, but not always... and by the way we are ALL humans (unless you have taught your dogs to read and they are hoping for some cute puppy pics).
Recently it occurred to me that NO JOB is worth not coming home from... These tiny paychecks are not a good reason to spend over 80 hours away from home each week. Am I just flipping out over nothing? I don't think so, this feeling has been nagging at me for the last several months and it finally hit me square in the face about a month ago and has been in the center of my thoughts ever since. So I ask... What do you loose to give up a "dream"?
I feel I would be regaining time with my family I have neglected for the last year and a half. I have missed major family events because "the base has to stay open" I have poured my heart and soul into this job and like most good disfunctional relationships... have gotten very little in return.
The truth is if this career were a lover I would have cut them loose long ago...
But what next?

What I See

All my life I have listened to the stories of others. I have sat quietly and laughed when I was supposed to laugh and cried when I was supposed to cry. I have always felt like my stories were not important enough to tell. With the extra spare time I have on my hands these days I have done a fair amount of searching and reading other peoples' stories on the internet and I finally said to myself... if that story was important enough to put on the internet... darn it so is mine!.. Mine will be a story of life as I see it through the viewfinder of my trusty Cannon... come along and enjoy my travels with me wont you?