A rant on an old profession

I wonder what type of personality traits a person has that makes them step outside of what they know to do something that makes them happy. I have been doing a great deal of research about how to follow my dream to become a photographer and what I have found time and time again, are stories of people who gave up very comfortable livings in careers that give them the opportunity to achieve "success". People have chosen to give up careers as corporate attorneys, bankers, and yes even nurses. They have chosen to leave these comfort zones behind and take a leap of faith and follow a dream. What many of them have also pointed out is that this often results in a certain level of downsizing in the "lifestyle" dept but many of them say they would not take it back.
I have thought to myself... "am I the type of person who could live a much more simple lifestyle than I do right now?" Before I found myself in this magnificent marriage, I did live a bit more simply. I drove a simple American car, I lived in a simple American house with a $500 a month mortgage payment, I took trips around America and have seen the wonders that this magnificently diverse landscape still has to offer (before we flatten it all out to make 8 lane superhighways), and as far as those parts of my life were concerned... I was happy with them... but I was still missing something... the true love of a mate to share them with. Now I am blissfully in love... driving a $37,000 truck (still American by the way), paying half the mortgage on a $200,000 home I neither chose nor have any ownership in, taking $10,000 "trips of a lifetime" every year. I have done and experienced more amazing things in the last three years than I could have ever imagined and they have been absolutely AMAZING! So in order to continue doing those things is it necessary for me to continue on in a profession that neither fulfills me nor makes me happy anymore?
I have wondered many times if I am not just going through some sort of VERY PREMATURE mid life crisis. Do I just need to buck up and realize that I will likely never be a National Geographic photographer? The people I have researched who gave up promising careers to follow this dream are now making their money taking wedding photos and senior pictures... which would still be more fun than working the graveyard shift in the ER listening to the same people every night complaining about their chronic back/head/abdominal/chest pain. Professional photographers tend to get to capture the best and most substantial times in the lives of people. They get to be there at the weddings, the mitzphas, the milestones... Nurses get to be there at the passings and the agonies. I used to say that I would be a nurse even if they did not pay me for it... I loved it that much... but experiences over the last couple of years have left me bitter and jaded and as a result I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to be part of a profession that values cheaper youth over more expensive experience when there are actual human lives at stake. I don't want to be part of a profession that will not only allow but encourage the type of lateral violence and bullying I (and many others) have experienced. I don't want to be part of a profession that fosters infighting and backstabbing in order to save your own ass... I have thought of joining the Peace Corps to get back to the basics of why I used to love this profession. I used to love the fact that I could make a difference... I could somehow touch the life of another human and even in their worst of days I could bring them a little comfort. That is what nursing used to be about... now the profession is filled with men and women who chose nursing school because they like the idea of getting paid pretty good money and you only have to work three twelve hour shifts a week. They do not care about the patients... they do not care about the profession and they certainly do not care about their co-workers. Nursing is not supposed to be easy... if done correctly it should be mentally, physically, and emotionally draining, but to the newbies who are there to collect the quick easy big paychecks it is none of these.
So what does an old dog do to move from the "what I have always done" comfort zone to the "what I have always wanted to do" jumping off point? those decisions are yet to be made. The one thing I do know is that I am renewing my commitment to myself to continue improving my craft and do what I can to take this from occasional hobby to practiced craft.

Renewable Energy

We were flying home through Chicago to Indianapolis when I looked down and what should I find 10000 feet below?... Miles upon miles of wind generators. I decided then that I was going hunt this wind farm down and check it out. Come to find out this farm spans two counties in North West Indiana and supplies power to hundreds of homes throughout the midwest and beyond. Each one of these gigantic wind generators can supply power to 600 homes each year. I have done a small amount of research and have found no downside to this and I wondered... why are we using more of this? They don't take up much groundspace so we can continue growing crops on this land. So we can grow crops that can either feed animals or humans or we an grow crops to be used for other renewable energy sources like bio fuels and ethenols.



Here in Indiana we have an abundance of a few things... soybeans... corn... space... and wind... these are things that do not destroy life like a huge uncontrolable oil spill does... wind never dies out... corn and soybeans can always be grown... I am not asking that everyone sell their gas guzzling machines to start driving cars that run on old french fry oil all I am asking is that we all start to think about doing what we can, when we can to make a difference. Every little bit counts and can make a

Listen to the whispers

I was sitting here alone tonight when I realized I had not posted anything to my blog in a month or more. It has been quite a time over the last few weeks. I have gone from having what I thought was a "dream job" to having no job to having a job I can tolerate because I can't afford to be a photographer/housewife. I have gone from being a flight nurse to wanting to get out of nursing all together to deciding to follow another path toward grad school to become a CRNA. I was blessed to reconnect with family I have not seen in 30 years. I was also blessed to reconnect with a place I have not seen in almost 20 years.

It's funny how a place can affect you. I had not been to Northern California since I was a freshman in college, but the moment I stepped off that plane and the sight and smells hit me again I was right back in love with that place. So many practicalities tell me that the dream of ever living there is just that... a dream... but the dreamer in me wonders if it is not really possible. What is it in us that makes us listen to the "reason" that screams at us instead of the whispers that speak to us when we are too tired for rationalizations. Why do I always listen to the "you can't do that" and the "That will never happen" why do I always listen to the " you're too overweight" and the "that was a stupid thing to do"? Why do I never listen to the "you look great" and the "well, at least you took a chance" and the "some body has to be a success at that... why not me"?

So I guess what I am rambling about is this. Would my life be happier if I chose to listen to my whispers rather than my shouts? Or would I be an overweight unemployed poor photographer who walked everywhere she went because she could not afford to make her truck payments anymore? Maybe there is some happy middle ground somewhere that lets me have a little bit of the best of both worlds.