Life is complicated sometimes. Of course we all know that. My life has been fantastic compared to most, and sometimes I have to remind myself that my little problems are nothing compared to the problems of others. Is it narcissistic to even be typing this stuff into a computer. Have we become such a public society that even our journals are public knowledge? Maybe but here I am at this computer trying to figure out the right path to take.
Recently I have been toiling over a difficult decision. For my entire adult life I have wanted to be a flight nurse... now that I have achieved this goal I find that like most other dreams... the reality falls a bit short. My "dream job" has become something I am no longer a big fan of. However there are quite a few extenuating circumstances that have lead to this feeling. Not the least of which is the abysmal pay and insanely long hours. When a person works 80 hours a week on average they expect to be able to pay their modest bills when the paycheck comes. I have been doing this for over a year now and not once have I not shed tears on payday because I knew the tiny check would not come close to paying all my bills. I am so very lucky to have a woman who has supported me emotionally throughout this endeavor. She has always been there to say "we will make it work if this is what you want to do"...
My answer to "Do you want to do this?" has always been "YES" until now. I have told myself "you are just burned out"... "you are working too much"... "things are gonna get better"... but the truth is some days I wonder if I am cut out for this job... The clinical part is no problem (I can almost do it in my sleep... and have some nights I am afraid). The problem is the little nagging voice in the back of my head that says "people die doing your job". Statistically those deaths are most often caused by human error, but not always... and by the way we are ALL humans (unless you have taught your dogs to read and they are hoping for some cute puppy pics).
Recently it occurred to me that NO JOB is worth not coming home from... These tiny paychecks are not a good reason to spend over 80 hours away from home each week. Am I just flipping out over nothing? I don't think so, this feeling has been nagging at me for the last several months and it finally hit me square in the face about a month ago and has been in the center of my thoughts ever since. So I ask... What do you loose to give up a "dream"?
I feel I would be regaining time with my family I have neglected for the last year and a half. I have missed major family events because "the base has to stay open" I have poured my heart and soul into this job and like most good disfunctional relationships... have gotten very little in return.
The truth is if this career were a lover I would have cut them loose long ago...
But what next?