Love and kisses

Most of you know from watching my posts and reading my status updates on Facebook that I love my dogs as if they were children. When we lost Hunter this spring to cancer it broke my heart and it has remained broken since. I still can rarely speak of how much he loved us without choking up. As some of you may know we added another little angel to our family about 2 weeks ago. Sofia is an adorable 10 week old Italian Greyhound. She began to heal our hearts a bit. It is difficult to get too depressed when you are getting puppy kisses. However this healing heart lasted only a week and a half as our adorable Lexi became ill over this past weekend and was accidentally diagnosed with a tumor on her spleen. Immediately the heart break returned with a vengeance at the thought of loosing yet another beautiful soul to this horrible disease. For the worst 24 hours of my life thus far I began to grieve the loss of this unconditional love machine, and try to imagine our lives without her. Lexi loves to sun herself regardless of the temps outside and the one thing I could not get out of my head was how she would love our new house with so much land and sunning space and how not having her there would make it a slightly empty place.

I have always believed in the power of prayer and positive thinking but I could barely muster the strength to pray for the second time in a year that God protect and keep my baby safe. This is when the prayers of others came in to play. I realized today just how many people in my life truly understand the relationship that we have with our dogs and how empty our lives would be without them. I felt prayers and well wishes and positive thought coming at us from all directions and our baby pulled through a very serious surgery and is home with us tonight. She is doing well and for that I am truly thankful.

To all of our friends and family who sent us positive energy... thank you... THANK YOU... THANK YOU... You pulled us through when we did not have the energy to do it ourselves.

Questions your dog will never ask you

I read somewhere that 37% of all American homes have a dog and the average dog owner has 2 dogs. America has always had a love affair with our pets for countless reasons. This is information that, if you are a dog person you already know. I didn't realize how special the relationship is that we share with our dogs until I began traveling to third world countries and seeing how animals are treated in other parts of the world. Why do we Americans have such deep emotions for the little four legged members of our families?

Our pets give us something most of us realize we will never truly get from another human being... unconditional love. Don't get me wrong, I love the humans in my life and the people I am closest to could do just about anything and I would still love them, but only a pet will give you true unconditional love just the way you are with no regrets. Following is a list of the questions your dog will NEVER ask you which proves he/she loves you for you and not for what you have to offer them.

1. Where is this relationship going?

2. How much did that awesome dress cost?

3. Did you think you could just go off and leave me with the sitter for a month and I was gonna just let you walk back through that door like nothing happened?

4. You smell like another dog... where have you been... get out

5. Do you think you really need that piece of pie/cake/candy/hot fudge sundae/cheesecake?

6. Are we "exclusive" or can I see other humans?

7. What is in this relationship for me?

8. Are you putting on a little weight?

9. Are you just gonna leave those dishes in the sink until I do them?

10. Are you gonna just lay around in your pj's again today?

11. Can you not stand so close to me in the morning before you brush your teeth?

12. Really... did you have to fart?... I am sitting right here!

13. Really?... Dog food again?

14. Don't you have anything better to do than to hang out and bother me today?

15. Shouldn't you be working out more?

My dogs don't judge me, they don't care how long I have been gone as long as I come back, every time I walk in the door they shower me with unconditional love and gratitude. Even the most pure human relationship cannot give you that all of the time. My dog is just happy as can be to curl up in my smelly workout clothes on while I am taking a shower because she likes to be with me and they smell like me... if you find a human who loves you that much... be afraid.

Mixed Messages

Returning from a long vacation it is pretty routine to convince yourself that you need to "get back on the wagon" and loose that vacation weight. My vacation was a bit different in that I did a great deal of exercise over the last month. I also ate only healthy whole food that was fresh and without so many preservatives. So I came home from vacation feeling pretty good about myself. However it took me less than a week to fall back into the same bad routines I have always fallen back on. Like so many other people (maybe even some reading this blog), I have been on a roller coaster of of dieting, loosing weight, and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin my entire life. I can remember being about 12 years old and being up at 5am doing the "30 minute workout"... that was the 80's kids so you KNOW i was all decked out in my spandex leotard and leg warmers... that's right... leg warmers. Even at that young age I was conscious about my shape and size. Most of my life I have actually just felt uncomfortable in my skin and pretended like I did not care enough to do anything about it.

The reality is that I am just tired of trying to do something about it. I am going to share something with you all here... please don't tell anyone this... but, I LIKE FOOD!!! In fact I would go so far as to say I love it! It is not just something I use to keep me alive. I enjoy the cooking of it, the sharing of it with family and friends and even when I am alone I love the taste the texture and the experience of eating. What I do not love is the way I feel about myself.

Where does the "buck stop"? When does "I feel physically uncomfortable" beat out the "I love the way cheesecake tastes"? Why is it so difficult for some of us to overcome our love of the eating experience even though the aftermath can be both physically and emotionally painful?

Life is short and somehow we need to find a balance between what brings us happiness and what brings us healthiness.

What the viewfinder sees

I was out in the canyon today happily clicking away, changing settings and experimenting with different combinations to try to capture all of the awesomeness that surrounded me. I was taking at least ten shots of each scene so that I could try to share with everyone the amazing landscape that is everywhere here. I was so excited to get home and pop this card into the old laptop (which is getting a bit bogged down with all these photos :)
When the photos came up on the screen one by one I was pretty proud of myself. There were some great shots! Then as I assessed the photos more closely a flaw became apparent in each of them... every photo was good... every photo was a good representation of the small section of the scene I saw... so what's the problem? The problem is that being out in the canyons and hearing all of the sounds and smelling the smells does not come across even in the digital age. You can not tell from looking at the photos that there is the sound of a babbling creek in my left ear all the way up the canyon, you can't hear the sounds of the rock climbers to my right confirming they are "on belay", you can't hear the screech from above that signals a bird has found what he was looking for. I never saw the bird, or the climbers, or even the water most of the way (or there would be photos of them :), but I heard them so they must have been there... right? or maybe they were echos from a time past, finally coming back down the canyon walls... what I know for sure is that all of these sounds and smells add to the panoramic experience that is to be had out here... and the viewfinder doesn't see that.

"mid-life crisis" done right

If you google the phrase "mid-life crisis" you come up with 42,600,000 results. You can find everything from a definition to an explanation of why it is a load of hoo-ha created by a youth centric western society to give people an excuse for going crazy because they are loosing their hair, getting a spare tire, noticing a few more wrinkles or finally realizing that the "dead end" job or relationship they have been in for years is truly a dead end. I found support groups for people going through a "mid-life crisis", for the spouses of people going through a "mid life crisis", for the adult children of people going through a "mid-life crisis". I found face creams and hand creams and advertisements for volunteer organizations abroad.

In forty-two million six hundred thousand results... a person can get a lot of information, but the one thing I figured out was that everyone goes through a time when they realize their life is not turning out exactly like they had planned. Celebrities get to call it "reinventing themselves"... we normal people have to field the comments of "well... she has just gone completely CRAZY... bless her heart" and for a little while I thought this might be true. What was missing from my life that was making me so blue? I have an amazing relationship with a WONDERFUL woman who loves me as much as I love her. I had a job that paid the bills... most of the time. I have a family who loves me just the way I am... what the hell was I bitching about.

It was not until I got out here and started doing the things I had always said I would do that I realized that was all there was to it. I still work as a nurse, and it still pays the bills, and it still is not as much fun as it used to be... but that does not matter because I work 3 days a week which leaves the other 4 for hiking. I still hate being apart from my family (which was true even when I lived in Indiana) but I can't wait to show them all of this beauty I have found out here. I still miss my wife dearly but I am strengthened by the fact that each day brings us closer to being back together again.

I guess what I am getting at is this... if you are going to have a "mid life crisis" do it right and fix what is broken. In order for me to do this I had to do an enormous amount of soul searching to figure out what it was that I was missing. Now that I have found it all I am waiting for is for all the pieces to fall into place. Then I will be able to say I have had a proper and successful "mid life crisis". (and I didn't even need to get a sports car :)

SWEET RED SHOES

It has been a couple of months since my last post and my life has changed in huge ways. Most of my life I have said all of the things I "want to do" and living somewhere that I can get out and enjoy this phenomenal planet has always been high on the list. There is just something about way being "out there" makes me feel. It is something I have had trouble putting into words because it is one of those things that you just have to "get".

I grew up as that kid that never really fit in. People liked me and was not bulled or made fun of, but I did not have very many true friends growing up... (you know who you were though if you are reading this :). At a certain age the kid that is "different" or does not fit the mold is more of an outcast. I always felt like that kid. I dressed the way I wanted too... I did the things I wanted to and I gave no apologies for it. I remember wearing fighting the Catholic School to be allowed to wear a neck tie with my white button down shirt... (the boys got to why not me)... I remember wearing bright red shoes to school... I thought they were the coolest things EVER... (that I did get made fun of for :) but I stand by the fact that THEY WERE AWESOME!

Even as a child and young adult I sought the solitude of the outdoors. Even then I knew... the trail, or mountain, or lake, or river does not care what color your shoes are... they do not care if you snort when you laugh... they do not even care if sometimes you accidentally fart when you walk. (don't judge me you all have done it!) Something about being "out there"clears my head and makes me think more clearly.

Today I took a hike with Dannie and for the first mile or so I had everything running through my head... "I need to go to the grocery"... "I need to schedule some ACLS and CPR classes", "I need to figure out how to organize paying my bills when my bills are in 2 different places", "My sock has a wrinkle"... you get the idea. Then at one point... (about 40 minutes in) I realized the only thing in my head was the swoosh swoosh swoosh of my feet in the sandy gravel of the desert and the rhythmic sound of my breathing. Suddenly none of that other stuff was there anymore... it was just me... a sweet little dog... some birds... and a few coyotes. This is what I have been missing. It took me 20 minute to travel to a place that let me reconnect with me... and I did it all in SWEET RED SHOES