Listen to the whispers

I was sitting here alone tonight when I realized I had not posted anything to my blog in a month or more. It has been quite a time over the last few weeks. I have gone from having what I thought was a "dream job" to having no job to having a job I can tolerate because I can't afford to be a photographer/housewife. I have gone from being a flight nurse to wanting to get out of nursing all together to deciding to follow another path toward grad school to become a CRNA. I was blessed to reconnect with family I have not seen in 30 years. I was also blessed to reconnect with a place I have not seen in almost 20 years.

It's funny how a place can affect you. I had not been to Northern California since I was a freshman in college, but the moment I stepped off that plane and the sight and smells hit me again I was right back in love with that place. So many practicalities tell me that the dream of ever living there is just that... a dream... but the dreamer in me wonders if it is not really possible. What is it in us that makes us listen to the "reason" that screams at us instead of the whispers that speak to us when we are too tired for rationalizations. Why do I always listen to the "you can't do that" and the "That will never happen" why do I always listen to the " you're too overweight" and the "that was a stupid thing to do"? Why do I never listen to the "you look great" and the "well, at least you took a chance" and the "some body has to be a success at that... why not me"?

So I guess what I am rambling about is this. Would my life be happier if I chose to listen to my whispers rather than my shouts? Or would I be an overweight unemployed poor photographer who walked everywhere she went because she could not afford to make her truck payments anymore? Maybe there is some happy middle ground somewhere that lets me have a little bit of the best of both worlds.